A Letter to Parents and Loved Ones of a Teen with an Eating Disorder
Dear Parent/Loved One of a teen with an eating disorder,
Even though I work with teens with eating disorders every day, I cannot possibly imagine how hard the last several days/weeks/months/years have been for you and your family. It is challenging when a child is diagnosed with any physical or mental health condition, but eating disorders are so challenging because depending on how far along in recovery someone is, their desire to get better, and sometimes even their awareness that there is a problem, may be absent. I want you to know what an incredible and irreplaceable support you are in your child’s life, even if their eating disorder might be telling you otherwise.
There is no perfect way to support someone with an eating disorder, but there are some things that can help. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you walk alongside your child on the recovery journey:
Do not play the blame game. Parents/loved ones do not cause eating disorders. Rather, eating disorders arise from the “perfect storm” of contributing factors, including genetics.
Take care of yourself. You know that thing they say on an airplane about putting on your oxygen mask before assisting others? This applies here. Eating disorders disrupt the entire family, and it’s important to find ways to take care of your mental health in order to best support your child. Consider finding a support group or individual therapist to help you navigate this. Think about which forms of self-care you enjoy (reading, movement, a bubble bath, chatting with a loved one) and do your best to carve out time for that, even if it’s just a couple of minutes per day.
Examine your own beliefs about food and bodies. This is a really hard one. As your child moves through recovery, they will learn about concepts like Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size. They will also learn that there are no “good” foods or “bad” foods. If you grew up learning that certain foods are bad or that strict diets are necessary for health, you may find you are in a position of needing to challenge some of your own thoughts and beliefs about food.
Refrain from commenting on your child’s appearance. This probably sounds obvious but includes what nearly every well-meaning loved one says at one time or another – that their child looks “healthy.” To a logical brain, healthy is a good thing! To an eating disorder brain, no matter which way you spin it, “healthy” = “fat.” If possible, focus on praising effort versus outcome. Statements like, “I see you working so hard at this” can go a long way.
Your child is not their eating disorder. Parents and loved ones often comment that they feel like they hardly know their child anymore. When an eating disorder doesn’t get its way, it can lash out and say hurtful things. You may notice that your child has trouble rationalizing things or working through moments of anger. This is actually physiological – someone who is malnourished is not able to think clearly because their brain is not adequately fueled. As your child moves further along in recovery, their logical brain/true self will return and often with it, more motivation to recover.
This is a marathon, not a sprint. Recovery is a multi-year process and is so much more than eating and weight restoration. Often parents and loved ones see their child eating better and falsely assume that this must mean they are “all better.” Just like someone diagnosed with anxiety still has anxiety even on a day they feel calm or someone with diabetes still has diabetes even on a day their blood sugar readings look good, someone with an eating disorder still has an eating disorder even if they’re eating and weight restoring (if applicable). Continuing to do the hard work of recovery when someone feels like they no longer “look like” they have an eating disorder is often the hardest part of the process – it can feel like they no longer “deserve” food. What research tells us is that eating disorders don’t have a “look” – anyone can have one.
Remember that your child’s care team is here for you and your family. Fighting an eating disorder requires a team, of which you are an integral part. We know this is hard and that burnout is real. Please know that you can always reach out to a team member with any concerns.
Supporting teens can be hard. Supporting teens with an eating disorder? Very hard. You are incredibly strong for going on this journey with your child, and we see you.
Sincerely,
An Eating Disorder Dietitian